My Random Explanations For Scary Movies

Thanks to the mostly-brilliant  on Netflix and other spookiness like #Hereditary, I’ve been having some too-scared-to-sleep-moments lately and I decided to come up with some explanations for all the terrifying sh*t.

  1. The lady who can bend all the way backwards as she climbs the stairs … is probably a yoga instructor.
  2. The ghoul under the bed who is ready to grab my ankles when I get up to pee … just wants to give me a pedicure.
  3. The ghost on the ceiling … had some of that fizzy lifting drink from Will Wonka. She’s just trying to burp her way down to safety.
  4. That ominous music … is my new DJ neighbor, practicing a for a Halloween party.
  5. The little girl standing menacingly beside the bed … just needs a glass of water so she can get back to sleep.
  6. The ghost hovering in the corner won’t turn around or show his face because … he’s got embarrassing acne.
  7. The guy with the hacksaw chasing innocent teens across a field … is a landscape artist, looking for a garden to trim.

What else am I missing…?